My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
