dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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