I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
