Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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