After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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