Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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