she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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