The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
