Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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