He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
