just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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