Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
