Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
