Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
