can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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