Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
