my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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