Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
