Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
