You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
