I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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