Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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