omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I need to align my fucking chakras
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
