I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
