I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
