Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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