Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
