I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
