fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
