but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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