I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
