we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
