does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
