I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
