I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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