I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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