Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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