I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
