they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well I just put wine in my tea
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
