i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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