I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
