Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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