Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Couch. On fire.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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