I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
