remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
