my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We had to coat check the pizza.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
