I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
