She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
