I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
