Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
