Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
